Marital Spite and Impulse Purchases - Better than Jesus....

Has a TV Show/Movie/Commercial ever made you decide to do something? Like right in that moment, stop what you are doing and act upon what you just saw? If your answer is no, you are missing out on a little thing I like to call being impulsive.

Hi. My Name is Eric, and I am an impulsive person.
(Hi, Eric.)

Being impulsive is not always a negative trait. Impulsive decision making has made me a successful business person. If life throws me a curve ball, my impulsive nature is used to instant change, and I handle it like a pro. I am able to make decisions on the spot. Nine times out of ten, it is a phenomenal trait to have.

My best friend of 15 years, Kyle, loves to tell stories about my impulsive nature. He shared in his Best Man Toast at my wedding, a story from when we were in college. He knew I had just received my student loan overage check for the semester (about six grand), and when he was pulling up to our apartment that night, he saw a box for a 50" Plasma TV sitting by the road. He thought "No, Eric isn't that stupid, surely he didn't go blow his student loan money on an oversized (at the time) TV". He walked into the living room, saw me assembling an entertainment center with a shiny new tv, shook his head, muttered "God Damnit Eric", and kept walking.

When it comes to impulse purchases, I have come leaps and bounds since those days.... for the most part.

I know what you are thinking... Eric! What the hell does any of this have to do with you trying to lose weight?
Well... everything, actually.

You see, this whole decision to be a healthier person can be pinned back to the night my wife and I watched a Netflix movie in bed.

JUNE 12th 2015 - Netflix and Chill

It was this night, we were both in the mood for a documentary. She had been watching some food related documentaries, so it recommended "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". Its a great watch, and I highly recommend you check it out. As we watched it, I saw a man who was roughly my height, my weight, drop TONS of weight doing nothing at all but drink juice. The lazy side of me was in awe at how simple it seamed. The nerd in me was floored by the science and data he showed to support his case. The impulsive decision maker in me decided in that moment - This is what I MUST DO!
"Babe, do we have a juicer?"
"Yes."
"Its going down - starting tomorrow."

JUNE 13th 2015 - No, but seriously, tomorrow for sure....

What can I say? She wanted to go out for a greasy Sunday lunch... who was I to say no?!

JUNE 14th 2015 - But this one is better!
On this day, I dug her juicer out of the closet and cleaned it up. I had no clue what to put into the juicer, so I hopped onto Google, and what do you know: The Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead guy had two recipe apps on the App Store... for $20. So $20 later, I now have the recipes. But I need the fruits and veggies. So off to Sprouts (the working man's Whole Foods) I go. $170 later, I have a weeks worth of food to juice.
I ran a test juice, and realized that the old juicer we had at the house was not as good as the ones they had shown in the documentary. So I hopped onto Google, and what do you know: The Fat Sick and Nearly Dead guy endorses a line of very expensive juicers. So Amazon Prime later... I have a new $300 juicer en route for next-day delivery

"I swear baby, I am starting this for realz tomorrow"

JUNE 15th 2015 - Juicing is fucking DISGUSTING
Seriously. Juiced kale is why there is war in the middle east. Its fucking horrendous. No amount of lemon or lime can offset that fucking awfulness. Fuck. Juicing. There has got to be a better way.

JUNE 16th 2015 - BAE gets angry
Sometimes I think that my wife gets off on getting to rub things in my face. She had told me not to spend the money on the juicer. She had told me not to go crazy with this whole thing. But I did. So I got mocked and yelled at all at the same time. She was angry I was already giving up after such a lofty investment, and she was making fun of me for my "space juicer" that was never going to get used.
I hate to say it. But she was right on both counts.

The next month went by with constant reminders about the juicer that was still sitting on the counter collecting dust. I went back to eating like an asshole, and being angry at myself as soon I was done eating like an asshole.

About a week after a Fourth of July pool party with our families, my wife's aunt sent an email with pictures from the party. There I was in the pool, larger than everyone else. I just didn't look healthy. It bothered me. It festered on my mind for about a week.

JULY 16th 2015 - Random impulsive decisions 
While out in the field for work, eating my fast food lunch, I past the Life Time Fitness in McKinney. I don't know why, but I jerked the wheel, and pulled into the parking lot. "I'm just going to check it out and see what it costs", I thought to myself. An hour and a half later, I was the newest member of Life Time with a renewed urge to be better. God bless impulse buying.
The plan was that I was going to use their pool. I was going to swim the fat away. Great plan for a fat guy with bad knees who was on a competitive swim team almost 20 years ago.

JULY 17th 2015 - Amazon destroys marriages 

I went to the gym for my first ever workout. I swam some laps, and realized quickly it was going to be harder than I thought. But I enjoyed it. But I needed some training gear....
My wife was PISSED. "This is going to be the juicer all over again. Why not see if it is going to stick before you spend that kind of money" She was right... but I was determined to prove her wrong.

Just for shits and giggles - here are a few other recent Amazon binge shopping sprees:

JULY 31st 2015 - No obligations, its free to try out... GOTCHA BITCH
I was given one free personal trainer session with my new membership. Figured I would try it out. Imtisal talked me through my goals. He then kicked my ass for an hour on lots of different machines. When the hour was up, I was dying, but I was smiling ear to ear.
"Alright man, I'll bite. What's the cost for another session"
"$99 an hour. Want to sign up for once a week for the next month?"
*while holding out my AmEx and shaking my head* "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck"
My wife said nothing about it. (I was kind of surprised, but didn't question it)

AUGUST 8th 2015 - 90 Day Challenge? FUCK YEA
Imtisal had been pushing me to enter the upcoming 90 day weight loss challenge since our first session. It was only 30 bucks, and there were some monster prizes (top weight loss participant in the nation will get $10,000). So what the hell. I paid the $30 and kept on doing my thing.

SEPTEMBER 13th 2015 - Planning for a baby
Laying in bed, my wife and I get into an impromptu discussion about finances and our plans for the short-term and long-term future with our child on the way. We were talking about big monthly costs in our budget, and I brought up (with a cringe on my face) the $495 a month I was paying for a personal trainer, ON TOP of the $95 a month for gym membership.
"I have no problem with that" she said.
I was shocked. Floored. Speechless.
"I can see the difference you are making. You are sticking to it. You have proven me wrong, and I am proud of you. It is worth every penny." (I think she mumbled something about how I still need to end up looking like The Rock)
Be still, my heart. My wife is better than yours.

So here we are at present day. As of the morning I am writing this, I am down THIRTY FIVE MOTHAFUCKIN POUNDS, and not to brag, but I am THE MOTHAFUCKIN LEADER (Locally) OF THE 90 DAY CHALLENGE. Read em and weep. In three short months I have finally found my groove, stuck to a plan, and made a (now) noticeable difference.

Impulse decisions can be dangerous. They can be expensive. But my friends, if it weren't for my impulsive nature, I wouldn't be writing to you today.

-E

Why "this time" seems easier...

Hey you, reader... I know we just met, but I must confess before we get too involved... this is not my first time. I just thought you should know for your own benefit. It doesn't make what we have any less special, though. I hope you understand.

All kidding aside, this is one of many many times in my life where I have proclaimed "THIS IS THE TIME I MEAN IT. I AM GOING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES! YOU JUST WATCH!", and then a week later you would see me at the bar chugging pitchers and dunking wings in a vat of ranch dressing.

Why? Why so many times was I ready enough to proclaim a change, but not willing to stick to it? Was it will power? Was it influences in my surroundings? The fault of Obama?

Tough to say. (Thanks Obama)

But the past 5 weeks have felt... different. Easier. More enjoyable. Today, while driving through the god forsaken flatlands of Oklahoma, I reflected quite a bit on why this could be. Figured I would share:

ACCOUNTABILITY

This time, I am holding myself more accountable. Previous lifestyle-changing attempts were sloppier than Hillary Clinton with an email server. (ba dum tssss). I would say I was going to do it, but when no one was looking I would revert back to my old ways. 

Thats the purpose of this blog, the @COADFatGuy Instagram/Twitter accounts, and my ongoing whining and complaining on my personal Facebook page (Sorry if we aren't friends, but you aren't missing much). 

If I forget to snap a picture to Instagram before I shove something in my mouth, I feel guilty. I own up to it. If I miss a trip to the gym in the morning, I go at night because my wife will be the first one to call me out if I am slacking. (which I greatly appreciate). 

Speaking of my wife.... 

CIRCLE OF PEOPLE

Jess (my smoking hot, super-knocked-up wife), has been great. Want to know why? Because she loves me as a big fat hairy guy. Seriously. She is a gay man trapped in a very sexy woman's body. She is a bear-loving, chubby chasing, fur-grabbing wonder of a woman. When I told her I was ready to make a change, she was quick to remind me that she loves me just the way I am, but she would fully support my decision to be a healthier person. (And something about getting swoll like JJ Watt or The Rock...)

In attempts before, I didn't have support like I have gotten from my wife, friends, and co-workers. 

In a previous relationship, making this change was forced on me. I had to do it. There was no other option. If you have ever met me, you would know that didn't go over well. I didn't just resist; I marched in the complete opposite direction. Just to prove a point. (A dumb one, but point nonetheless) 

Previously friends would make the comment "Yeah, ok. Let me know how that goes next week". Thats a kick in the shorts. They weren't helping; but they were right. 

This time around, I have found some kick-ass co-workers and friends who were willing to share their own experiences and advice. They have even cheered me on from time to time when I am pissing and moaning on Facebook. 

And then, it couldn't be done without the support of viewers like you. Some of you have reached out to me on Twitter, some on Instagram, and your words of support are awesome. 

I GOTZ THE DOLLA DOLLA BILLS!

Listen, I am no Rockefeller. I am not lighting my cigars with $100 bills. But I have been fortunate with my line of work lately to have a bit of disposable income to invest into my health. 

Lets face it: Being healthy ain't cheap! Especially if you diving in head-first.

Gym Membership: $90/mo

Personal Trainer: $99/hr

Gym Clothes/Gym Bag/Training tools/Gym Shoes: $God help me, Amazon Prime later..... don't want to talk about it

Supplements: $~100/month (Protein, Glutamine, Supplement pills -all natural stuff-, Shakeology, etc)

Eating: Well... at least I am getting AmEx points

But, just like the time I bought stock in Enron (They are still around, right??), this is an investment. 

An investment in myself. And by investing such a large sum of income into myself, it creates another layer of accountability. I would/will feel like a real douche if I spent all this money for nothing. 

Must. Not. Be. A. Douche.

THE REASONS ARE GENUINE AND REAL. 

My wife is pregnant. Really pregnant. Its really happening. I am going to be a father. I have a growing love for someone I haven't even met yet, and want to make sure I am around as long as possible for this tiny human. I want to meet their tiny humans in 30 years. 

I have a taste for fashionable clothing. Not trying to brag, but I do a damn fine job dressing with style for being stuck in the Big and Tall section. (Or when I was a kid, the Sears "Husky" section...) But I want to be able to partake in real style. I want to be able to take that endorsement of free clothing from @TrunkClub (I know you are reading this Trunk Club. If you drop the ball, Express for Men is on deck to take all the glory...) Most of all. I am sick of paying a premium for clothing just because I am large (usually a 15% penalty for Big and Tall clothing).

I want to be active. Several of my friends are in softball leagues, dodgeball leagues, and flag football. I want to play too. Put me in coach. 

The list goes on and on. But its things like this that hold me accountable. When I am slacking at the gym and want to call it quits for the day, I start thinking about all of the reasons that brought me to the gym in the first place. (or I just look in the mirror. That usually helps.)

Most important: I want to change. 

Baby books on audio to push me past the 3 mile mark... and for having just rolled out of bed, that hair is ON POINT

At any rate. This time is better. This time it feels tangible. This time, I am going to do my damnedest to make it stick.

Will Power is a Motherfucker

I don't get it...

If there were a beautiful naked woman begging for me to have my way with her, I would say "No can do. I am married."

If a stranger walked up to me on the street and asked me to help them rob a bank, I would say "No thanks dude, not a big fan of prison."

But if I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and there is a Drumstick in the freezer.. well god dammit, one won't kill me, I'm going to eat that fucking ice cream treat. (Which just happened tonight... it was not pictured on my Instagram account, because... well... it all happened so fast.)

Will power. Its a mother fucker.

Its an interesting time to decide to make changes in my life. My wife is incubating a tiny human for the next 6 months. She is craving some of the strangest unhealthy foods on a daily basis. As the man who put her in this "temporary situation". Of course I must leave the cave to get her food and bring it back to the cave. (I am a mothafuckin' cave man for my lady).

Each of these random (usually late night) excursions ends up being a test of my will power. Two nights ago I was sent to Sonic at 11pm to get her a large order of french fries. (Side note: She didn't actually want french fries, she just "Needed a vehicle to carry the ketchup she was craving") I pull up to the menu board (with credit card terminals that never work... what the fuck Sonic), place my order, and then I am asked the dreaded question "Anything else for you sir?" Panic ensues. My eyes look over the menu 20 times in 5 five seconds, my mind screaming "NO ERIC, YOU DONT NEED ANYTHING" and my stomach screaming "FUCK THAT GUY UP THERE, HE THINKS HES SO SMART BUT DOESNT KNOW SHIT! GET A COOKIE DOUGH BLASTER MWUHAHAHAHAHA"

Two nights ago at Sonic, will power prevailed; I did not order anything for myself. Hold your applause.

But there is an even more intense battle of will power happening inside my own home. That pregnant devil-woman has littered our home with temptation. Every. Fucking. Place. I. Look.

Carbs

More Carbs

Delicious Carbs

Stoner carbs

Pregnancy carbs

Grreeeeeaaaat carbs

Salty carbs

Stick your finger in when nobody is looking carbs

So I must ask all of you accountabili-buddies out in the interwebs... how do you get past the temptations strewed throughout your home? How do you keep from giving in? Is there a healthy snack you keep on hand for times of crisis? When is it ok to splurge? Show me your ways!

The Game Plan

You know the "who" and the "why"... Time to hear about the "how","what", and "when".

Its going to be a 3 pronged approach:

1.) STOP EATING LIKE AND ASSHOLE (as my good friend Ziaja puts it) 

Annoying change for a road warrior...

• Reduce portions - i.e. stop eating the whole Little Caesars pizza
• Reduce Carbs - i.e. every fucking thing in this world I enjoy
• Reduce Calories - shit you not, there was a day logged a while back that was over 10k in calories...Thanks Obama....
• Smaller/More Frequent Meals - previously has been HUGE lunch, HUGE dinner
• Meal Replacement Shakes - I suck at having breakfast. Shakes will fix that (Shakeology or Whey Protein Mix) 
• Supplements - Or as I like to call it, my wife is seasoning me from the inside, like a Thanksgiving turkey...(Cinnamon, Garlic, Kelp, Fish Oil, etc) 

Anything that is put in my mouth will be charted on MyFitnessPal app, as well as documented with a picture on Instagram (@COADFatGuy).

You know that kid that took the school science fair WAY too seriously? That was me. My project on aerodynamics (4th grade) included a 3" binder of printed data from rounds of testing. I love numbers. Probably why I enjoy sales management so much. If you can't measure it, you can't manage it. Moving forward, my body is my new science project. 

This aspect is also tough because of my career. I am a Territory Sales Manager with a VERY large footprint to cover. I log around 4,000 miles a month in the car. Every day is packed with meetings, and typically the only time I have for a meal is while driving down the road. This has resulted in HUNDREDS of stops through McDonalds, Burger Kings, etc. etc. etc. More about this is the 3rd prong of this new lifestyle.

I know you are thinking "Eric, this is all basic shit we hear about every day". And yes, there is nothing crazy or new about this plan. In fact I have tried it before, and been unable to stick with it. Thats where you people come in. You are my digital network of accountabili-buddies.

2. PHYSICAL ACTIVITY 

Fun Fact: EVERYONE is Platinum Elite. 

• Joined a Gym - I hate gyms. I hate gym-rats. I kind of hate everything related to working out. But its a must for me to succeed. 4 weeks ago I joined LifeTime Fitness.  
• Cardio - Swimming and Cycling (Because, fuck treadmills.) 
• Strength - Resistance bands, weight machines, free weights 
• Personal Trainer - Imtisal is a good dude, but I am convinced he is trying to kill me
• Walking/Steps - Virtually my entire job is sitting down either in a car, or in a meeting. Aiming for a daily goal of 10,000 steps. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a tendency to go over the top when I am trying something new. How, you ask? Well I will put it this way: When I joined the gym last month, I was sitting at home googling what swimmers use during training. Amazon Prime later: 

The natives at the gym refer to me as "That Guy"... I believe it is a term of endearment. 

Snorkel, Goggles, Waterproof iPod Shuffle and earbuds, resistance gloves, gym bag, shower flip flops, and American Express points. Nailed it. 

3.) ROUTINE AND DISCIPLINE 

• Wake-Up/Bed Time - Getting up every (week)day between 5:30 and 6:00 to allow for trip to gym. In bed no later than 11pm
• Road Food - Carving out time on the road to stop for a real meal, or planning ahead with healthy road-food. 
• Allowance for a cheat - Temptation is everywhere. Allowing myself to enjoy a treat, or a drink, and not beating myself up about it, but also not making it a frequent event. 
• Pushing myself to keep going - Whether its during my workout at the gym, or after a shitty weigh-in, I must keep myself focused on the end-goal. 

There is nothing routine about my life. Sometimes bed time gets fucked because my wife is having a bad pain day and needs to take a trip to the ER. Sometimes waking up doesn't happen because... well... fuck mornings. Sometimes nothing sounds better than a pile of wings and a pizza. 

Life happens, and I understand that my schedule will never be as clock-work as a cadet in boot camp. That's ok.

As long as I strive for a routine, it will be a positive change. 

As for discipline, I have it in so many facets of my life. Personal wellness has never been one of them. Again, thats where you fine folks come in handy. Accountabili-buddies... 

WHAT IS THE GOAL?

Start Weight: 334

Goal Weight: 245

-89 lb.  to lose - or as I put it: "I am going to lose a 4th grader"

Get blood pressure off the border of safe and high. 

Get cholesterol off the border of safe and high. 

Be able to play sports with (and keep up with) my child. 

And lastly: Be at a size where I am able join TrunkClub.com. 

 (Trunk Club, if you are reading this, I will gladly be spokesperson and take free clothes for ongoing endorsements... not kidding.)

(Pssst... Express for Men: We both know Trunk Club won't do it. They don't have the guts to support a fat guy [pun intended]... unlike Express for Men. Express for Men would support a man's journey of weight loss; all for the love of your clothing. Express for Men has a heart. Right? RIGHT?! ... feel free to email me with endorsement contracts) 

WHEN:

March 1st 2016 - 6.5 Months away (roughly -15 lb. per month or 0.5 lb. per day)

Lets do this! 

I will be checking my email Trunk Club... don't let me down.

How did it get to this?

2007: Winner of the wing eating contest - 4.3lbs in 10 minutes.

334 Pounds. THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR FUCKING POUNDS. What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Don't get me wrong. I have always been big. But not this big.

When I was young, I was a chubby kid with a bowl cut. In the third grade, one of my classmates Tony Ramsey, was brilliant enough to realize my last name rhymed with Fatty. Yup. So fucking clever. Fatty Hattey. (Tony: if you are reading this, I hope you are addicted to meth in a trailer park somewhere... step on a Lego and die.)

So. Much. Denim...

By high school, I was 6' 4", and 250 pounds. Not huge, but not small either. Looking back, that was a good size for me. I was active in sports, marching band, a  job that kept me on my feet. I was eating like a horse, but I was able to burn it all off.

Why do all teenagers have such a dopey look on their face? 

But then, college happened. College happened STRONG. Beer, fast food, Beer, Starbucks Lemon Pound Cake, Beer, Beer, and Beer. In a matter of two years I had shot up to 300 pounds. My activity level was down, my calorie intake was through the roof. I picked up smoking. (3 packs a day at its peak). I was also drinking Red Bull like it was water to keep up with full-time school while working a full-time job.

And the neck just continues to disappear...

So that brings us to today. Three hundred and thirty four fucking pounds.

The Fat Guy

My name is Eric. I am almost 30 years old. I am the fat guy. Big guy. "The one who likes to eat". For the most part, thats totally ok with me. I have always been a bigger guy.

That smokin' hot woman next to me is my wife Jess. She is one of the strongest and most patient women I have ever met. (She puts up with me). If you see the two of us walking down the street, I give other fat guys hope, and skinny guys question how much money I must make. Years of Simpsons, Family Guy, Kings of Queens, and many other pop-culure shows and movies taught me the "big goofy guy will have a smart beautiful (skinny) wife". Nailed it.

My intent is to take you on a journey of change. I am one month into a "new lifestyle" of eating better, working out, and setting goals. But lets be clear about the "why":
This isn't just about losing weight. Weight has never truly bothered me. I have never been the fat guy who wears the shirt into the pool. I have no shame. Any one of my friends will tell you.
This is about feeling better physically as well as mentally. This is about being able to wear stylish clothes at work without having them custom tailored, or hunting through a Big and Tall store. This is about (Mom, for the love of God, stop reading for the next two lines) having the strength and stamina to be a better lover in the bedroom.

But most important, it is about this:

Jess and I are seven months away from being parents. Excitement. Terror. Stress. Happiness. You name it, I am feeling it.

I want to be around for my kid. I want to be around when my kid has a kid. I have to do something to make sure that happens.

So join me in this journey. Fair warning: If you don't want a laugh, or dirty words offend you, this might not be the place for you)

Share your own stories with me. Follow my Instagram and Twitter feeds @COADFatGuy to see what I am eating, how my workouts are going,  and (hopefully) watch the results take shape.